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Picking Out A Swimsuit

Mom sent me this one and with Summer right around the corner (or already here for some of us :-) ), I thought it was appropriate. Enjoy the laugh! :-)

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice; she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice do I have?

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lyrca used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last, I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an over-sized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit.


  1. LMAO!!!!! That is hilarious!!! I have trouble with suits too! I can't wear one pieces because I'm too tall and it's impossible to find anything that fits right (plus the lack of bra cups just does NOT work for me). If I wear a bikini it has to be a bra type top for larger busts and I use yoga shorts for the bottom. They are the same material as a suit, but you can get the kind with the roll up top so you can roll it down around your hips or use it to cover a muffin top like I have in tighter stuff. It works great and is so comfortable. I think the one you got is called a tankini. I like those for when I want something to cover my belly, but the bra part usually never comes in my size. Needless to say I'm not fond of swim suit shopping hehe. :D

    1. Oh I DESPISE bathing suit shopping! It always makes me feel MUCH bigger than I really am. I have the same problem as you do as far as the upper area LOL I can find something that fits up top but too small for the bottom or vice versa....I usually end up of having to do the mix-n-match type to find one that fits all the bits I need it to fit. LOL

    2. Yep I mix and match too. I have to. There's no way around it lol. That's why I like my yoga pants because they are black with a little pink and orange at the top to they go with a variety of tops. So now I just buy different tops and mix them up with my shorts hehe!!

    3. That's a brilliant idea! Right now I have a multicolored halter style top that covers my belly and a skirt like bottom. I'm ready to see if I can't find a pair of shorts to match the top b/c I feel "old" with the skirt bottom LOL

    4. That's funny because I always felt like a little kid with the skirt bottoms! Check out the yoga shorts. I really like them. I think they are called hot pants or hot shorts, something like it. I got the fold over top kind. They come in all colors, but the ones I got are black with a pink strip at the top and then an orange strip above that which can be folded over to make a custom height (I hate when they feel like they are hanging off my hips). Mine have start to unravel a bit, but it's only the decorative stitching, not the part holding it together. I also machine wash them because I'm lazy. They would probably last longer if they were hand washed. :)

      Also make sure the read the reviews on leg length. I found the longest ones I could because they have a tendency to ride up if you have those little two inch ones.

    5. I will! Thanks for the idea! They seem like they'd fit what I'm looking for (I don't like my hiney or thighs LOL). The bathing suit shorts I've seen before where just too hideous looking but now I know to look for Yoga shorts. :-)

    6. Yep, same here. I forget who it was that told me about Yoga shorts, but I thank them silently in my head every time I got swimming because I love them. :D I'm so much less self conscious than I used to me!! I don't like my thighs either hehe.

  2. Oh' I'm laughing so hard after having a miserable night looking for swimsuits and then trying to figure out how in the world I could get a good photo in one without having to hire a Hollywood special effects photographer. I love your writing. Thanks for making me laugh when I felt like crying.

    1. Glad you enjoyed it Tracy! I can't take credit for it though, my Mom sent that to me in an email and it was just too good not to share. :-)


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